"Why Do I Always Feel Like I’m the Problem?": Understanding Gaslighting vs. Healthy Conflict
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, and when handled constructively, it can lead to growth and deeper understanding. However, not all conflict is healthy—sometimes, it’s a form of manipulation. Gaslighting, a specific type of manipulation, can make you question your reality, leaving you feeling confused, insecure, and isolated. Understanding the difference between healthy conflict and gaslighting is essential to protect your mental health and foster positive relationships.
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person seeks to make another doubt their perceptions, memories, or sense of reality. Originating from the 1938 play Gas Light, this term describes behaviours designed to make someone feel “off” or uncertain. Over time, gaslighting may erode self-confidence and self-trust, making it difficult for the affected person to speak up or set boundaries.
Common tactics include:
Denying Facts: “I never said that,” even when you clearly remember.
Shifting Blame: “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting” to downplay your feelings.
Withholding Information: Refusing to engage, or acting as if you’re imagining things, making you doubt yourself further.
Gaslighting is not just a misunderstanding or miscommunication; it is intentional and designed to create self-doubt and dependency.
Healthy Conflict: Signs and Characteristics
In a healthy relationship, conflict can lead to greater understanding, respect, and intimacy. Partners in healthy conflict are open to listening and validating each other’s feelings, even if they disagree. They work toward resolution without seeking to undermine each other’s confidence.
Key Characteristics of Healthy Conflict:
Active Listening: Each person feels heard and respected.
Taking Responsibility: Admitting mistakes and acknowledging each other’s feelings.
Mutual Effort to Resolve: Both parties want to find solutions that work for both of them.
Emotional Safety: No one feels belittled, blamed, or shamed.
In healthy conflict, the aim is to resolve issues while maintaining respect and trust. There is no intention to make the other person doubt themselves or feel lesser.
Gaslighting vs. Healthy Conflict: Key Differences
Recognising the difference between gaslighting and healthy conflict may require tuning into how the interactions make you feel. Here’s a breakdown of some fundamental differences:
If your feelings are consistently downplayed, and you’re made to feel as though you’re misinterpreting events, these may be red flags for gaslighting.
Recognising Common and Subtle Tactics of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can be subtle and gradual, often making it challenging to recognise, especially when it doesn’t involve overt conflict. Here are some common and more nuanced tactics to be aware of:
Downplaying Feelings or Experiences: Statements like, “You’re blowing this out of proportion,” or “It wasn’t that bad,” serve to minimise your emotions, making you feel overly sensitive or dramatic.
Rewriting History: The gaslighter may tell you that events happened differently than you remember, subtly reframing past incidents to fit their narrative. This tactic may lead you to question your memory or feel confused about what truly happened.
Using ‘Pet’ Nicknames to Belittle: Terms like “silly” or “dramatic” may sound innocent, but if they’re used consistently in heated situations, they subtly demean your perspective, reinforcing a power imbalance.
Withholding Support or Affection as ‘Punishment’: Subtle withdrawal of affection or support when you express disagreement or dissatisfaction may make you feel abandoned, encouraging you to comply to avoid further withdrawal.
Giving Backhanded Compliments: Comments like, “You’re so strong for dealing with your own issues,” may sound positive but actually serve to isolate and imply you can’t handle the “real” world or need constant support.
Pitting Others Against You: The gaslighter may subtly suggest that “others agree with them” about your behaviour or feelings, isolating you from friends, family, or even colleagues by making you feel that others don’t believe or support you.
Feigning Concern: They might express concern in a way that questions your stability or memory. For example, “Are you sure you remember that correctly? You’ve been so stressed lately,” blurs the lines between concern and manipulation, increasing your self-doubt.
Intentionally “Forgetting” or “Misunderstanding” Important Details: Repeatedly forgetting important points or needs you’ve expressed may make you feel unheard or unimportant. If you try to bring it up, they may downplay it as “just a misunderstanding.”
Suggesting Mental Instability: Statements like, “I think you need help,” or “You’ve been acting paranoid,” are powerful gaslighting tactics that create doubt around your mental wellbeing, making you question your emotional responses.
Guilt-Tripping with “Sacrifice” Claims: They may remind you of how much they’ve done for you to imply you’re ungrateful or unreasonable for bringing up concerns. Statements like, “After everything I’ve done, you still think that?” shift the focus from the issue to guilt.
Practical Steps to Protect Yourself
If you believe you’re experiencing gaslighting, it’s essential to safeguard your mental health and self-trust. Here are some evidence-based techniques to support yourself:
Keep a Journal: Documenting interactions may help you maintain clarity, especially if you start questioning your experiences.
Assert Your Boundaries: Clearly state what behaviours are unacceptable, even if it feels challenging.
Seek Outside Perspective: Trusted friends, family members, or therapists may provide clarity and validation when your own perception feels distorted.
Limit Engagement in Gaslighting Moments: If the conversation becomes manipulative, calmly exit rather than engaging further. Creating distance may prevent emotional harm.
Focus on Self-Trust: Practice affirmations or grounding exercises that reinforce your reality. Remind yourself that your feelings and perceptions are valid.
When to Seek Help
If gaslighting or emotional manipulation becomes a pattern in your relationship, it may be beneficial to seek professional help. Therapists trained in relationship dynamics may offer tools to help you recognise unhealthy patterns and rebuild self-trust. Gaslighting can erode mental health over time, so addressing it early is vital.
Resources and Support
If you’re in Australia and need immediate assistance or support for relationship issues, here are some available resources:
1800RESPECT: 24/7 national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. Call 1800 737 732 or visit 1800respect.org.au.
Lifeline: Crisis support and suicide prevention, available 24/7. Call 13 11 14 or visit lifeline.org.au.
Relationships Australia: Provides counselling and support for individuals, families, and communities. Call 1300 364 277 or visit relationships.org.au.
Beyond Blue: Mental health support, available 24/7. Call 1300 22 4636 or visit beyondblue.org.au.
Healthy Conflict Builds Relationships; Gaslighting Destroys Them
Navigating conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it’s essential to distinguish between disagreements that strengthen bonds and tactics that undermine self-trust. Healthy conflict may feel uncomfortable, but it ultimately supports growth and understanding. In contrast, gaslighting is an intentional manipulation that leads to confusion and self-doubt.
By recognising gaslighting and practising self-protection, you may take steps toward healthier, more authentic relationships. Letting go of relationships that rely on manipulation may be challenging, but it is a powerful act of self-respect and emotional freedom.
References
Dorpat, T. L. (1994). On the double whammy and gaslighting. Psychoanalysis & Psychotherapy, 11(1), 91-96.Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851-875.Kernberg, O. F. (1995). Love relations: Normality and pathology. Yale University Press.Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books.Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.
