How Can Assertive Communication Improve Your Confidence and Relationships?
Have you ever felt uncertain about voicing your needs, worried about upsetting others, or feared being dismissed if you do speak up? You’re not alone. Many of us have learned communication patterns that tiptoe between passivity and aggression—particularly if we’ve experienced challenging or traumatic situations in the past. But assertive communication offers a gentle middle ground: one that honours your voice while recognising the feelings of those around you.
In this blog, we’ll explore how a history of tough experiences might shape how we communicate, why assertiveness can be healing, and a few soft-yet-effective strategies to help you speak up with kindness and clarity.
The Role of Past Experiences
Our early lessons about communicating—picked up from caregivers, cultural influences, or moments of deep hurt—can linger into adulthood. Trauma, whether emotional, relational, or otherwise, can amplify fears around being honest:
Fear of Conflict: If standing up for yourself once led to dismissal, punishment, or further harm, you might find yourself holding back to avoid potential hurt.
Overcompensation: Others might swing to the opposite extreme, using a forceful tone or aggression to shield themselves from vulnerability.
While acknowledging these origins can stir up old emotions, it can also be empowering. When we know where our tendencies come from, we can gently shift them toward healthier, more balanced communication.
Why Assertiveness Matters
Far from being pushy or self-centred, assertiveness actually benefits everyone involved. Here’s how:
Healthier Boundaries
Assertive communication clarifies what you can and can’t do or accept. Clear boundaries create safer, more predictable relationships—crucial if trust has been shaken by past events.
Reduced Resentment
Bottling up feelings often leads to frustration that can boil over into anger or withdrawal. Being assertive nips these unspoken resentments in the bud.
Boosted Self-Worth
Speaking your mind respectfully reinforces a sense of personal value: “My thoughts and needs matter.” This is a vital piece of healing for those who’ve felt silenced before.
Improved Relationship Dynamics
By fostering honest, respectful conversations, assertiveness paves the way for deeper trust and empathy. This can be especially meaningful for someone who’s experienced past betrayals or emotional wounds.
Gentle Approaches to Assertive Communication
1. “I” Statements
Using “I feel,” “I believe,” or “I need” can soften a request or disagreement. For instance:
“I feel uneasy when we don’t confirm plans. Could we try setting a clear time to talk?”
This frames the issue around your feelings and needs rather than blaming the other person.
2. Practise Pausing
If you’re used to responding quickly—either by retreating into silence or snapping in self-defence—a short pause can be transformative. Take a quiet breath before you speak, allowing a moment to identify what you truly want to say. Over time, this small gap helps shift old, reactive patterns.
3. Start Small
You don’t need to tackle the biggest conflict right away. Begin by asserting your needs in less intimidating scenarios—like choosing which restaurant to go to or setting small boundaries with a friend. Each little victory builds confidence.
4. Know Your “Why”
Recognise that being assertive isn’t about “winning” but about building healthier self-respect and more balanced relationships. When you centre your motivation on well-being (both yours and that of those you care about), it becomes easier to speak from the heart.
5. Self-Soothing Techniques
For those who link speaking up with fear or danger, learning ways to calm your body in stressful moments can help. Simple grounding exercises—like focusing on slow, steady breathing or pressing your feet gently into the floor—signal your nervous system that you’re safe enough to voice your thoughts.
Healing Through Assertiveness:
A Gentle Perspective
For anyone with a history of trauma, learning assertiveness can feel like learning a new language. It may stir anxiety, self-doubt, or memories of not being heard. Here’s how adopting a gentle, assertive style can also support emotional healing:
Reclaiming Your Voice
When past experiences made you feel powerless, each moment of assertiveness becomes an act of reclaiming control. It’s a statement: “I’m allowed to speak, and I deserve to be heard.”
Building Trust—In Yourself and Others
As you calmly express your boundaries or desires, you build inner trust—confidence that you can protect and honour yourself. You also invite others to respond in kind, fostering mutual respect.
Empowerment Over Avoidance
Instead of avoiding conflict altogether, you learn to navigate disagreements with a balanced approach, reducing the lingering fear that conflict inevitably leads to harm.
Quick Assertiveness Frameworks
DEAR (Adapted from DEARMAN):
D – Describe the situation without judgement.
E – Express how it makes you feel.
A – Assert what you need.
R – Reinforce the benefits of meeting that need.
M – Mindful
Stay focused on the issue at hand. Avoid getting sidetracked by other topics or emotional bait. Gently but firmly bring the conversation back if it veers off course.
A – Appear Confident
Maintain a calm, steady tone and body language, even if you’re feeling nervous inside. Confidence can lend weight to your words without becoming aggressive.
N – Negotiate
Be open to finding a middle ground if needed. Show willingness to hear the other person’s perspective, propose alternatives, and collaborate on a solution.
SOFT:
S – State the fact or your feeling: “I’m feeling unheard…”
O – Own your perspective: “…because I truly value open communication.”
F – Focus on the desired outcome: “I’d like us to set a time to talk without distractions.”
T – Thank or show understanding: “I appreciate your willingness to listen.”
These structured approaches can guide your words when emotions run high, helping you stay kind and collected.
In Practice: Some Assertive Statement Examples
“I value your opinion, but I also have something important to share. Could we give each other space to talk in turn?”
“I enjoy spending time with you, and I also need a quiet day alone to recharge.”
“I understand this topic is sensitive, but I feel worried when it’s left unresolved. Could we find a calm time to discuss it?”
Notice each one conveys respect for both yourself and the other person.
Conclusion
Assertive communication is a gentle yet powerful skill that enables us to express our truth and honour our boundaries, all while creating space for empathy and understanding. Past traumas may have shaped our communication styles—teaching us to stay silent or push too hard—but these patterns don’t have to be permanent. Step by step, with mindful pauses, “I” statements, and self-compassion, you can grow into a more assertive and self-assured version of yourself.
Remember: healing is a journey, not a sprint. Each time you speak up calmly and kindly, you’re rewriting old narratives of fear or helplessness. Over time, you’ll discover that assertiveness doesn’t just improve how you communicate—it can transform how you see yourself, your relationships, and the world around you.
