How Do I Know If My Relationship Is Healthy or Unhealthy After Being Hurt?
Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships: How Trauma Shapes Our Connections
Relationships are a core part of our lives. They bring connection, support, and joy – but they can also be a source of pain and confusion, especially for those who have experienced trauma. Past hurts, particularly in relationships, can affect how we view ourselves and others, sometimes making it harder to distinguish between what feels healthy and what doesn’t.
If you’ve ever felt unsure about whether a relationship is good for you, you’re not alone. Let’s explore the hallmarks of healthy and unhealthy relationships and gently look at how trauma can influence the way we relate to others.
How Trauma Affects Relationships
Trauma, especially from early life or past relationships, can shape the way we connect with others. It might leave you questioning your worth, fearing rejection, or feeling overly responsible for keeping the peace. Here are a few ways trauma can show up in relationships:
Hypervigilance: Feeling on edge, always looking for signs something might go wrong, or overthinking others’ actions.
People-Pleasing: Prioritising others’ needs to avoid conflict or feel worthy of love.
Attachment Struggles: Finding it hard to trust or open up, or fearing being too close or too distant in relationships.
Partner Choice: Trauma can unconsciously influence the type of people we’re drawn to. Survivors might gravitate toward partners who replicate unhealthy dynamics from the past, such as emotional unavailability or controlling behaviours, in an attempt to “rewrite” the original pain. Conversely, some may avoid intimacy altogether, fearing a repeat of past hurts.
Emotional Dysregulation: Struggling to manage intense emotions or feeling overwhelmed during conflicts. Trauma survivors may experience heightened reactivity, making it challenging to navigate disagreements or emotional closeness.
Reenactment of Past Wounds: Survivors may unconsciously repeat relational patterns, such as seeking validation from emotionally unavailable people or tolerating harmful behaviours because they feel familiar.
These responses are deeply rooted in how your mind and body have learned to protect you. But understanding them is the first step to building healthier, more nurturing connections.
What Healthy Relationships Look Like
A Sense of Safety
A healthy relationship feels like a safe place, emotionally and physically. You can express yourself without fear of being judged, criticised, or dismissed. If you’ve experienced trauma, this sense of safety can feel unfamiliar but is essential for healing.
Respect and Support
In a healthy connection, your boundaries are honoured, your individuality is celebrated, and your feelings are taken seriously. A supportive partner or friend will encourage your growth and respect your journey.
Open and Kind Communication
Healthy relationships are built on honest, kind conversations. Even when there’s disagreement, both people work together to understand and resolve it without blame or harsh words.
Room for Independence
Healthy relationships allow space for both togetherness and individuality. You should feel free to pursue your own goals, interests, and friendships, knowing that your connection is strong enough to support both.
Consistency and Trust
Trust grows when words and actions align. In a healthy relationship, you can rely on the other person to show up for you and keep their promises, creating a steady foundation that feels reassuring.
Unhealthy Relationships: When Trauma Is Reinforced
Control and Power Imbalances
In unhealthy relationships, one person might dominate or control the other, whether through decisions, guilt, or isolation. For those who’ve experienced trauma, this dynamic may feel distressingly familiar.
Invalidation of Feelings
Being dismissed, criticised, or made to feel “too sensitive” can chip away at your confidence. This kind of emotional unavailability can amplify feelings of rejection or unworthiness.
Boundary Violations
Unhealthy relationships often ignore or dismiss boundaries. You might feel pressured to do things you’re uncomfortable with or find your needs constantly pushed aside.
Gaslighting and Blame
Gaslighting – making you question your reality which can be deeply damaging, especially for trauma survivors. It reinforces self-doubt and can make it harder to trust your instincts.
Instability and Chaos
Unhealthy relationships often involve unpredictability, frequent arguments, emotional highs and lows, or unclear expectations. While this might feel familiar if you’ve experienced trauma, it can be exhausting and harmful over time.
A Gentle Reminder
Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is a process, especially if trauma has shaped the way you see yourself and others. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey.
Healthy relationships aren’t about perfection, they’re about mutual care, trust, and growth. And while trauma can leave deep scars, it doesn’t define your future. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can build connections that bring joy, safety, and healing into your life.
You deserve to feel loved, valued, and safe – always.
