“How Do I Get Through the Holidays When I’m Missing Someone?”: Managing Grief during the Holiday Period
The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy and celebration, but for those who have lost a loved one, it can bring feelings of sorrow and longing. Grief can feel intensified during the holidays, as traditions and gatherings bring reminders of those who are no longer present. If you’re wondering how to navigate this season with your grief, know that it’s possible to find small moments of light and honor your loved one in meaningful ways. Here are evidence-based techniques and strategies to help you cope and find comfort.
Understanding Grief and Why It Feels Stronger During the Holidays
Grief is a natural response to loss and encompasses a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and even guilt. During the holidays, these emotions can feel intensified. The season often brings reminders of togetherness, family, and traditions, which can emphasize the absence of loved ones and make loneliness feel more profound. Understanding that these feelings are a part of the grieving process can help you navigate them with compassion.
The grieving process is unique for everyone and does not follow a linear path. It’s common to feel that your grief “should” lessen over time, but grief is often cyclical, resurfacing during certain times, like the holidays. Giving yourself permission to grieve in your way and at your own pace can be one of the most healing things you do during this time.
1. Accept and Honor Your Feelings Without Judgment
During the holidays, you may experience a mix of emotions—from sadness to anger to moments of joy. Rather than pushing away difficult emotions, allowing yourself to acknowledge them can help you process them more fully. Accepting these feelings without self-criticism helps reduce their intensity.
Practical Steps:
Label Your Emotions: Try to name what you’re feeling, such as sadness, frustration, or loneliness. Naming your emotions can help create distance and allow you to observe them rather than becoming overwhelmed by them.
Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that grief is not something you have to “fix.” It’s a natural response to loss, and allowing yourself to grieve can help release some of the emotional tension.
2. Create a New Tradition or Ritual to Honor Your Loved One
One way to keep the memory of your loved one alive during the holidays is to create a special tradition or ritual that honors them. This act can help you feel connected to them, creating a sense of presence rather than absence.
Ideas for Honoring Loved Ones:
Light a Candle: Lighting a candle in their memory during a family meal or gathering can be a comforting ritual.
Incorporate Their Favorite Activity or Recipe: Include something they loved, such as their favorite food, song, or tradition, as a way to bring their essence into your holiday celebration.
Set Aside Time for Reflection: Dedicate a quiet moment during the holiday period to reflect on special memories. This private time can help you feel closer to them and ease feelings of loneliness.
3. Ground Yourself in the Present
Grief often brings with it memories of the past and anxieties about the future. Practising grounding techniques can help you bring your attention back to the present moment, creating a sense of calm and reducing feelings of overwhelm.
Grounding Exercises:
Engage Your Senses: Notice what you can see, hear, feel, and smell around you. For example, during a family gathering, focus on the warmth of a blanket, the sound of laughter, or the smell of food. This simple exercise can anchor you in the present.
Breathe Mindfully: When emotions become intense, take a few deep breaths, focusing on the sensation of each inhale and exhale. Mindful breathing can help you center yourself and feel more grounded.
4. Balance Connection and Solitude
During the holidays, you may feel torn between wanting to isolate yourself and seeking out connection. Recognizing that it’s okay to want both can help you navigate this balance in a way that feels right for you.
Tips for Balancing Solitude and Connection:
Choose Comforting Connections: Spend time with people who understand your grief and who offer support without judgment. These connections can provide comfort without the need for forced cheerfulness.
Allow Yourself Time Alone: If you feel the need to spend time by yourself, allow yourself that space. Grief is personal, and finding quiet moments can help you process your emotions.
5. Reframe Difficult Thoughts About Grief and the Holidays
Grief often brings painful thoughts, like “I should be feeling better by now,” or “The holidays will never be the same.” Challenging these thoughts and finding alternative ways to view them can make it easier to cope.
Reframing Techniques:
Replace “Should” with “Could”: If you catch yourself thinking, “I should be happy,” or “I should be over this,” try reframing to “I could allow myself to feel whatever comes up.” This shift releases judgment and allows space for more compassion.
Recognize Self-Critical Thoughts: Notice if your grief is accompanied by self-critical beliefs, such as “I’m weak for feeling this way.” Reframe these as a natural part of healing, affirming that grief is not a sign of weakness.
6. Allow Yourself to Experience Joy Without Guilt
For those who are grieving, moments of joy can feel like a betrayal to the memory of a loved one. However, experiencing happiness is not a sign that you are forgetting them. Allowing yourself to feel joy amidst the sorrow can be a testament to their legacy and your resilience.
Steps to Embrace Joy:
Acknowledge the Duality of Grief: Grief and joy can coexist, and it’s okay to feel both. Letting yourself experience joy does not diminish your love or memory of the person you’ve lost.
Notice Small Joys: Recognize and appreciate small moments of happiness, such as laughter with friends or a beautiful winter sunset. These small acts of mindfulness can bring comfort and remind you that moments of light are still possible.
7. Seek Support and Share Your Grief
Grief can feel isolating, but sharing it with others can reduce its weight. Seeking support, whether from loved ones or a mental health professional, can provide a safe space to process your feelings.
Ways to Connect for Support:
Talk About Your Loved One: Sharing memories with friends or family can provide comfort, helping you feel connected to both your loved one and those around you.
Consider a Grief Support Group: Meeting others who have experienced similar losses can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation. Many people find solace in knowing they are not alone in their grief.
References
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2010). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: A decade on. OMEGA - Journal of Death and Dying, 61(4), 273-289.Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.Bonanno, G. A. (2009). The other side of sadness: What the new science of bereavement tells us about life after loss. Basic Books.Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. Guilford Press.Wetherell, J. L. (2012). Complicated grief therapy as a new treatment approach. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 14(2), 159-166.
