"How Do I Make Choices That Actually Reflect What Matters to Me?" A Guide to Intentional Living
In today’s world, it’s easy to feel as though we’re moving on autopilot, reacting to daily demands without fully considering whether our actions align with what truly matters to us. Intentional living is the practice of consciously making choices that reflect your values, beliefs, and personal goals, rather than living out of habit or external expectations. When we live with intention, we create a foundation for greater fulfillment, clarity, and purpose in every area of our lives.
What Does It Mean to Live Intentionally?
Intentional living is about making deliberate choices that align with your values. Values guide the way we approach life and influence our satisfaction in relationships, careers, and personal growth. They’re like an internal compass that keeps us on course, but to live intentionally, we first need to know what these values are and how they manifest in our everyday actions.
However, life isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes, we find ourselves facing a “values clash,” where two or more values conflict, or we feel torn between personal values and external expectations. Learning how to navigate these challenges is a crucial part of living intentionally.
1. Begin by Clarifying and Prioritising Your Values
Knowing your values is the foundation of intentional living. Your values are the principles that guide your choices, such as compassion, creativity, integrity, or personal growth. Reflecting on your values helps clarify what brings meaning to your life and informs the kind of person you want to be.
Technique: Identify Your Core Values
List What Matters Most: Reflect on qualities or principles that feel essential to you. Ask yourself, “What do I want my life to stand for?”
Notice Patterns: Consider times when you felt deeply satisfied or proud—what values were present? Conversely, think about moments of discomfort—were any values being compromised?
Prioritise Key Values: Choose three to five core values that resonate most. These values serve as a compass for your actions and decisions.
2. Align Daily Actions with Your Values
Once you’re clear on your values, the next step is finding ways to incorporate them into your daily life. Intentional living doesn’t mean making drastic changes; it’s about infusing your values into everyday moments. This practice helps bring clarity and purpose to even the simplest actions.
Technique: Values-Based Goal Setting
Set Intentions for the Day: Each morning, think about one value you’d like to focus on. For example, if you value connection, plan to reach out to a loved one, or if you value health, set a small goal related to self-care.
Reflect on Alignment: At the end of the day, take a moment to reflect on how your actions aligned with your values. Celebrate small successes and acknowledge areas for growth without judgment.
Reframe Tasks with Purpose: Try viewing even routine activities through the lens of your values. For example, if kindness is important to you, consider how you can infuse kindness into everyday interactions.
3. Explore Values Conflicts with Curiosity
Values conflicts, or “values clashes,” are a natural part of life, especially when you’re striving to live intentionally. A values clash might occur if, for example, you value independence but also value connection, and these two values seem at odds. Another common conflict might arise when external expectations clash with your personal values. Addressing these conflicts with curiosity and balance can help you make aligned choices.
Technique: Values Clarity Exercise
Identify Conflicting Values: Write down the values that feel in conflict. Recognise that these conflicts don’t mean one value is more important than the other—they simply indicate areas that need exploration.
Ask “What’s at Stake?”: Reflect on what’s at stake for each value. For instance, if you feel torn between career success and family time, consider what each offers in the long run and what you’re willing to compromise.
Seek Balance: Sometimes, finding middle ground can be empowering. If independence and connection feel at odds, you might explore activities that allow both, like prioritising solo time while building deeper, intentional connections.
4. Bring Awareness to Limiting Beliefs Through “Thought Spotting”
Many limiting beliefs go unnoticed but significantly influence our decisions. “Thought spotting” is a way to identify and gently challenge these limiting beliefs, which may otherwise prevent you from making intentional choices.
Technique: Thought Spotting Journal
Identify Limiting Beliefs: Each day, jot down beliefs that come up during stressful or decision-heavy moments. Look for patterns, such as “I can’t say no” or “I should be doing more.”
Label the Thought Type: Categorise each limiting thought—e.g., “should statement,” “self-doubt,” or “comparison.” Labeling makes it easier to catch these thoughts in the future.
Replace with Empowering Alternatives: Over time, replace common limiting beliefs with intentional statements that better serve your goals, like “I can choose what feels right for me.”
5. Practise “Intentional Pausing” to Stay Grounded
When we’re busy, it’s easy to make choices without much thought. Practising intentional pauses throughout your day can help you tune into your values before you act, making it easier to align your actions with what’s meaningful to you.
Technique: Set Intentional Pauses
Choose Pausing Cues: Identify natural breaks in your day, like before meals or when transitioning between activities. Use these moments to pause and breathe.
Check in with Your Values: Take a moment to ask yourself, “What do I value in this moment?” This check-in brings awareness and intention to everyday activities.
Practice this as a Habit: As you practise pausing, it will become a natural part of your routine, helping you stay grounded and intentional.
6. Explore “What’s Beneath the Habit?”
Intentional living often involves breaking free from old habits. Habits that no longer serve you can keep you in a cycle of automatic behaviour, even if they don’t align with your values. By exploring the needs or beliefs beneath your habits, you can gradually shift toward actions that reflect your values.
Technique: “Beneath the Habit” Exploration
Choose a Habit to Reflect On: Identify one habit you want to change. It could be something as simple as over-checking your phone or putting off self-care.
Ask What Need It’s Serving: Habits often serve underlying needs, such as comfort, distraction, or validation. Recognise what the habit offers you, even if it’s temporary.
Find a Value-Aligned Alternative: Based on your reflection, find an alternative action that supports your values. For example, if over-checking your phone offers distraction, consider a short mindful walk as a value-aligned option.
7. Engage in “Values-Driven Experimenting”
Intentional living isn’t about rigidly following your values; it’s about exploring and evolving them. Trying new activities or making small changes can help you see how different choices impact your life. Experimenting with new actions that reflect your values helps you discover what truly resonates with you.
Technique: Weekly Values Experiment
Choose a Value to Focus On: Each week, pick a value that you’d like to bring into your life more intentionally, such as kindness, curiosity, or resilience.
Experiment with Actions: Plan one or two small activities that embody this value. For example, if you value curiosity, try learning something new or exploring a new hobby.
Reflect on the Impact: At the end of the week, notice any changes in how you feel. Values-driven experimenting can deepen your understanding of what intentional living means for you.
Moving Forward with Intention and Flexibility
Living intentionally is a practice that changes with you, evolving as you grow and your values deepen. It’s not about perfect alignment every day but about creating a life that reflects your true self, one choice at a time. By focusing on self-awareness, flexibility, and mindful decision-making, you can align your actions with your values in a way that feels empowering, fulfilling, and authentically yours.
References
Schwartz, B., & Ward, A. (2004). Doing better but feeling worse: The paradox of choice. Positive Psychology in Practice, 86-104.Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden.Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualisation of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behaviour change. Guilford Press.Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are: Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. Hyperion.
